Sunday, April 30, 2006

This is America

This is America

A single popcorn kernel falls out of the bag and spirals to the ground as Dale Nacke prepares to watch his brother die.

We are more than four years removed from this object plunging out of the sky into a green field near Shanksville.

The idea of falling preoccupies. “United 93” was the first time I had to write the story of 9/11 since I was hired.

I had avoided, dodged, declined, and ducked anything that even came close to thinking about it.
For me 9/11 was always the day I woke up to a phone call from my now ex-girlfriend, turned on CNN, and saw the second plane hit the World Trade Center just moments later.

It had been a rare day off for me. I had intended to sleep for 10-12 hours. The second plane shocked me irrevocably awake. I was no longer on the phone with the ex. She had starting calling family in New York. I was alone, as always.

When we learned some time later a plane had crashed in Somerset County it had seemed distant and impersonal compared to New York.

That night, I stood out in the dark yard and stared at the sky as Chris and her family huddled around the television inside.

The midnight sky was filled with stars and for the first time in my living memory, I could not see a single man-made object competing for the space.

The first time I visited the crash site it was almost dark. I had driven down from the wood line from another story. The cool woods had been alive with late summer crickets and insects buzzing about.
The soft light was green and diffused by leaves.

Out in the flat fields, the shadows were sharp and the wind cut hard across the tall grasses.
The constant, angry sound of flags snapping overpowered the crickets.

The hard wooden benches were empty. Even the caretaker had left for the evening.

I sat in the long shadows feeling the empty space wash over me.

People had left notes to the families of the passengers and even to the passengers themselves. They were held down by small rocks and gifts. A Teddy Bear. A policeman’s badge.

Notes scrawled in permanent marker ran from the top to the bottom of a metal guide rail coming into the parking lot.

“Thank you.”

“God bless you.”

“Mrs. Simmons Grade 5.”

The shadows stretched out long fingers, covering the markers but failing to soften the hard noise of the wind through the flags.

The sun was falling.

Dale Nacke’s brother Louis “Joey” Nacke II died that day, and now he stands in a theater lobby with the smell of butter wafting through the air.

The movie is shot in real time after a short expository sequence and drags you, the viewer into it with relentlessly deliberate pacing and hand-held camera techniques.

Not only does the camera rarely have a firm base-view but its focus is constantly being racked. Combine that with the many shots emulating the seat backs of the darkened theater combining with the long-view of the hi-jacked cabin, you have a sucker punch from the movie.

To be honest, I am still somewhat emotionally wasted after seeing this movie. Interviewing these people. Seeing their pain.

What a bold and painful thing is life.

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*Minor funny. I’m sitting down to watch the movie and, of course, there are reporters everywhere. I’m next to (a seat away) from a stringer of ours and her fiancé when the TV people from five different stations show up.

The other paper has a girl three rows up from us and she’s interviewing an old lady before the movie starts (I harassed her with complimentary text messages until she had to turn off her phone {the stringer almost peed herself laughing})

the Associated Press is there, The Philadelphia Inquirer is there.***

The first TV person in, I’ll call her Katie, scans the entire crowd and comes up to me in the middle of the theater and asks me for an interview after the movie.

Well, I almost laughed out loud because one of the great things about my job is that you can use it as an excuse to talk to ANYONE YOU DEEM HOT.

Think about it, while on the clock, you can walk up to the world’s hottest model (they aren’t really that great, btw) and talk to them while saying you are doing a story. This, this, is how Natalie Portman and I will date.

Anyway, this is exactly what Katie was pulling. Unfortunately, you can’t be interviewed as a member of the press. So I politely identified myself, but, feeling mischievous and knowing the stringer would die from funnies, I leaned up to her and said, “You know, Katie, I have to say that seeing you in person is so much different than on the television. You’re just so much more beautiful in person.”

And then I leaned back and gave her an embarrassed and shy smile. She turned five or six shades of red and mumbled “thank you,” got awkward and ran away. She didn’t come back into the theater for maybe five minutes. I did get a little wave from her when I left after the movie.


**I did a mean and funny thing while writing this. I was at a coffee place and these four people sat right on top of me and proceeded to complain about every little thing that crossed their minds. The temperature, the coffee temperature, the coffee, the coffee at another place, the other place altogether for like half-an-hour. I finally stood up next to their table and called a friend, leaving a message on the machine that went something like this. (Talking directly at the table.) “When you get this, give me a call back, I wouldn’t mind hanging out for a beer, I spent all day yesterday interviewing the families of the people that died on Flight 93 (which I did). It was just an emotional day. I think about the sacrifice they made and how everything is put into perspective after that. I mean how can you not think of how great life is when you approach it from there? Anyway, talk to you later.” They shut the fuck up. Sorry, I can’t be surrounded by negative anymore…ughh a Phish song just came on, how the hell did that get on my computer? Speak of the devil.

***Today, my story was the best one. It’s not bragging. It just was.

****It would in theory be one of the great things about my job if, in fact, I ever got to cover events and meetings that were not only attended by old, ugly guys. I have locker room flashbacks almost constantly.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Saturdays are for sexual harassment (Or, why me, I just wanted an espresso. Not a spelling contest!)

I've you've never been sexually harassed by 12 yr-olds, I don't recommend looking for it.

I was hanging out at Starbucks* on Saturday after standing in the rain for two straight days writing down what drunk hippies** had to say about kayaking and Earth Day.

I'm minding my own business, trying to write and simultaneously flirt with the pierogie who is taking extended breaks to talk with me when I get a tap on the shoulder.

Girl 1: "Mister, what you doing?"

I turn around and see stuffed chairs full of 12 year-old girls. Several girls to a chair. I am immediately uncomfortable because this has "bad news" written all over it.

Me: "Uh, I'm writing a story."

Girl 2:"We saw you typing a letter."

Me: "I'm a reporter."

Girl 1: "That's really cool...You married?"

Me: Alarms are going off in my head right now. "Uh, no."

Girl 2: "You have a girlfriend?"

Me: Dying inside. My brain has fled the premises. "No, I'm single."

Girl 1: "My friend wants to be your girlfriend. She thinks you're cute."

Girl 2: "Oh my God, I can't believe you told him!" Giggling. Pushing takes place. More giggling. More pushing. Then they both stop and stare at me, expectantly.

Me: "Um, Um, I don't think that you guys are old enough to have boyfriends." Honestly, I'm trying to think what I did to deserve this. But then I realize my brain has left. I turn around and try to become invisible. It doesn't work. To my right, a table with two college-age girls is openly laughing at me.

Girl 1: Tapping me on the shoulder again. "Hey, it doesn't matter because we're lesbians."

Girl 2: "Yeah, so what do you think of that?"

Me: Because I'm so flustered I can think of nothing else to say, "Uh, um, the last girl I dated had a bunch of lesbian friends."

Girl 1: "No!"

There is a long pause.

Girl 2: "Nuh uh, we were just kidding. You know lesbians?"

Girl 1: "Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?"

Girl 2: "Well, we're straight."

Girl 1: "I might be Bi."

Me: "Don't you guys play sports or something?" I am so desperate to change the topic of conversation it's not even funny.

I look over and the pierogie is smiling and laughing at me from behind the counter because the little girls are talking to me. She can't hear what they're saying. I must look cute from 20 feet away. I have officially pissed off a higher power, I decide.

Girl 1: "Softball and Basketball."

Me: Breaking out of my reverie. "What?"

Girl 1: "I play softball and basketball." Well, no help there, I think.

Girl 2: Jumps up into my face from the back of the chair. "Spell amm-bi-dexter-us."***

Me: "Ambidextrous. A-M-B-I-D-E-X-T-R-O-U-S." Because my brain sucks like that.

Girl 1: "Wow, you're smart and cute."

Girl 2: "Spell pear-a-dack-tul."

Me: "Pterodactyl. P-T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L."

Girl 2: "Spell auntie-dee-louv-ian."

Me: "Antediluvien. A-N-T-E-D-E-L-U-V-I-E-N."

Girl 2: "Wrong! You lose!" Lots of giggling.

Girl 1: "Do you come here a lot? We come here all the time. What's your name?"

Girl 2: "Oh, we haveta go. The car's here!"

All of them: "Bye!"

Me: Putting my head down on my laptop. The college girls to my right are practically crying, they're laughing so hard.

Pierogie waves me over. "They were so cute. I think they had a crush on you."



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*It's official, tables have turned, and now I think I'm semi-stalking the pierogie. I just spent 5 hours trying to find her freaking blog to see if she's written anything about me to no avail. Damn the allure of yoga. Seriously, how come the first time I meet a reallyreally smart/hot/buddhist/literature-type book reading/singer songwriter/pierogie costume wearing/world-traveling/yoga practicing/Starbucks manager she turns out to be 20?

**By hippies I mean people who talk about saving the Earth while wearing $500 North Face jackets, $200 Columbia waterproof pants, $150 Birkenstocks and $30 socks.

***Starbucks has decided to produce "Akkelah and the Bee" a movie about spelling bees which I will now never, ever watch. There are cards laying about the store with these words and more (like prestidigitation, one of my favorites of all time).

Friday, April 21, 2006

Crackheads, leather jackets and tennis

So, as I was wandering through the dusty recesses of my mind this morning I came across a picture of one of those things in life that seem to have followed me from place to place.

In the last few years, I have gone the route of getting rid of possessions. I had reached the point where all my things were beginning to own me rather than me owning them, so I when I moved back to the area I let go.

It's a terrible thing when you find a toaster and microwave large enough to cook a turkey in is dictating how you should live your life and limiting your freedom of movement.

One thing I've never been able to get rid of is a leather jacket I got in the 8th grade. Believe me it hasn't been for lack of trying, and now, as I look at the ugly old thing, I feel sort of responsible for it. It's like a pet so ugly no one else would have it. Imagine a fat cat with bad breath and gas coming in to your life and you somehow develop a sort of horrified affection for it.

That's my bomber leather jacket.

crack jacket

It still has the little gold peace symbol I pinned on it after I was forced to give up soccer after 12 years of heavy playing when I moved to Fayette County and discovered that they believed the word soccer ball referred to a venereal disease.

I took up tennis as a protest to the situation, refusing to play football even though I was very athletic. Now tennis is like one of my geeky loves. I learned the sport in one summer, playing every day for 6 hours and made varsity that fall. I lost two matches in two years, both in the playoffs.

I still carry my rackets around in my bag 'o sports in the back of my car as if one day I'll be driving down the road and see a tennis match break out on the side of the road...

"Hey guys, need a fourth for doubles?" I always imagine myself saying. "Nope, got my stuff right here!" Hijinks* ensue. Oddly enough, this has never happened. But I'm prepared.

Back to the jacket. I can't get rid of this thing. Sometime in my first semester of college, It dawned on me that this jacket was ugly. I mean not very good looking. I've always been a personality kind of guy, so these things take time for me to realize (in this case, 4 years.)

Anyway me and the jacket began to drift apart. I did take it with me one time though when a group of us went on extended weekend to New York. Rutgers, NYU and Columbia were on the list of places to party.

We get to NYU and in a monumental fit of stupidity, everyone publicly put their bags of clothes and goods in the trunk of a single car after parking downtown. It had the best lock someone reasoned.**

Of course, none of us realized that in New York the word 'locked' refers only to handguns (as in locked and loaded) and has no practical application in the real world of protecting things from being stolen.

I mean this is a place where people are regularly stolen. Inside of ten minutes, crackheads had busted open the trunk and stolen just about everything. There was so much stuff the fuckers actually got picky towards the end, a terrible thing to think about a crackhead being picky about what they steal for drugs, but they did.

When we came out, some underwear, T-shirts and my leather jacket were all that remained.

Crackhead #1: Hey, we rolling in the rock tonight!

Crackhead #2: Damn, CD players, deodorant, toothpaste, money, we scored.

Crackhead #1: Go get Tyrone. Get him in on this shit.

Crackhead #2: Get it all...wait, not that. Holy shit, look at that thing.

Crackhead #1: Damn, I though I was on crack. Motherfucker wearing that got to be on the good stuff. Search the pockets.

Crackhead #2: I ain't touching it. You do it.

Crackhead #1: Not me.

Tyrone_Biggums

We've been together ever since.

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*I love the word hijinks. It's so sort of 1950s. Like vivacious.

**To be fair, we had been drinking a lot that weekend.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Drive of Death: A Spectacular! (As seen on Broadway)

As we all know, I am a danger kind of guy. I drink my latte with whole milk.* I run over killer bunny rabbits without even flinching.** Snow, fog, goats, deer, ice, rain...often all at the same time...that's my daily commute.***

First, to catch you up, I drive through several third world countries just to get here, and I risked my life**** just to smuggle these photographs here and onto the web.

dod01

Wht do I call it the drive of death? For starters, because the danger is completely downplayed unless you're a local. Take this example: None of these signs state, "YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE!!!" They all have numbers and shit on them instead. Misleading, I tell you.

dod02

This is often the first (or last ) thing you see on the drive. A giant truck, farm implement, construction vehicle, logging truck, manure spreader, military roadblock or whatever, flying at you from around a blind corner.

Even the roadblocks never come at you less than 70 miles an hour, unless you're behind them on a hill and they're trying to get you to pass them blindly. It's sneaky, they slow down to 20 mph, you think you can pass, and blam, you're dead. You've been suckered into a head-on with another coal truck.*****

You know what happens then? The truckers get to paint a silhouette of your car on the side of their door panel (only half a car if you were the one assisting on the hill) And their boss buys them beer (to drink as they get back on the road to hit more cars. they don't actually have jobs other than that, I think the whole thing is about population control).

You haven't lived until you've entertained the notion that you are about to die by slamming into a manure spreader.

dod03

This lovely barn is painted the beautiful color of FOG! Oftentimes the only way to tell you're no longer on the road during some of the worst foggy drives at night is to see the grass or bushes on the side of the road. Instead, during this section you get barn.

Speaking of fog, one of the nice things about the drive is that at night when I can't see the road, I can smell how close to home I am by what people burn in their outdoor wood boilers for heating.

When I say "outdoor wood boilers" I mean they're meant to burn wood. But actually, most of the people on the drive burn garbage, tires, bodies, whatever they feel like. And you can tell by the different hidoeus odor coming into your car where, exactly you are.

dod04

You would think that if you have to move boulders the size of a house just to build a house, you might be getting a subtle hint from someone about the place you've chosen to live.

dod05

Before cars were available up here (sometime in the early 1990s) people often traveled by covered wagon. This hub is all that remains of the Smithson family. Caught in a snowstrorm in 1986, All 17 of them were eaten by the locals and then their remains were used in the outdoor wood boilers. It was a warm winter, that year, legend has it.

At night, on a full moon in late October, they say you can hear the ghostly sound of young Emma Smithson saying: "I think we should have taken the turnpike."

Consider this a monument to them.

dod06

This would be artistic if it wasn't completely accidental. The point is they're sucking the energy from the air. This area only exists exists to be stripped of whatever precious little it has to offer in the way of resources. Thankfully, there's not a strip mine or rock quarry every 10 feet up here.******

dod07

This makes me laugh, because God knows there's not enough random shooting going on in these mountains that you need to entice some drunk Hillbilly to shoot at fake animals DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE.

Thankfully, as the drunk shooter weaves, he's also got a decent chance of hitting the kids playing on the slides.

dod08

Oh, look, it's a rock quarry!

dod09

When an intensive investigation discovers an area along the drive of death that in no way can support human or animal life, officials have only one choice....make it a State Park.

dod10

My new apartment. This is actually just one of many lovely houses lying along the road. It might be inhabited. I just don't want to find out.

dod11

The antenna you see sticking up on the right is from a secret government facility that only looks like a complete junkyard. It actually broadcasts subliminal messages over the entire population, falsely convincing them that the area can actually support human life (and to buy lottery tickets, but that's another story, for another blog)

dod12

This is one of the many community playgrounds available for local children. The kids come from all over just to frolic on the modern and SAFE rides. Tetanus shots are free, btw.

dod13

Yes, children come from miles around to climb into the abandoned washing machine, ride the rusty car bumper see-saw, slide on the plate glass slide, or the abandoned shopping cart roller coaster.

Never let it be said the children were deprived of a safe playing environment. If they don't like the playground, they can always hang out at the strip mines or stone quarries.

dod14

Early on, I wondered why I never met oncoming cars flying at me 70 mph on the straight-a-ways. Then, one night, as I contemplated a certain death, I figured it out. There are no straight-a-ways.

dod15

These cows are just waiting until darkness to leap the fence and wander in front of my car. Fuck you, cows! Other people just roll down the window and say "moo."

Actually, a cow is just about the only animal I haven't nearly hit on the drive home. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. If all the smaller animals fail to take me out, they'll call in the cows. Bastards.

I'm up to goats. I must be a worthy adversary...

dod16

Call me sentimental, but I've always found these graveside markers very touching.

As local residents die by car accident, drunk ATV riding accident, getting caught in a threshing machine, mistaken for a deer shooting, knifed by a cousin for hitting on another cousin who's already dating that cousin, I'm moved to reflect on the harsh reality of living in this area.

These people mourn their dead with simple rolls of hay, representing how the body returns to the earth from whence it came, The circle of life and how we are all dependent upon the land for life.

dod17

2005: There were a lot of family reunions this summer (with drunk ATV riding).

dod18

And because the ride isn't scary enough, some yahoo had to build a haunted hay ride/militia encampment out here.

I'm told this is the site of one of the earliest forts in the county. Several battles were fought on this very ground. The earliest crops were fertilized with the blood of European settlers and Native Americans as they contested the precious land.

At night, on a full moon in late October, they say you can hear the ghostly sound of
members of the tribe crying in anguish over losing their home of centuries...

Ghostly Native American #1: We have come far to find the white man in our fields, taking the game, soiling our precious waters. Many ancestors have come and gone into our sacred ground in this place.

Ghostly Native American #2: Dude, you can't be serious. This place sucks. you've been here for how long? And why are we fighting? Have you seen the hide drawings Frank brought back from the west? Hot chicks everywhere, man. We should roll, seriously.

And in the background, if you listen closely, just above the silver-tipped leaves rustling in the moonlight, there is always young Emma Smithson saying: "I think we should have taken the turnpike."

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*Sometimes even cream, motherfuckers. I'm hard. You feel me?

**Actually, it still kind of bugs me.

***Not for long, hoo-rah. My ass is getting parked next month.

****Well, I did have to open up a second Flickr account. That should count for something.

*****Otherwise, why have radios.

******If you suspect I'm being sarcastic, you know me too well.

A DISCLAIMER: As with so many things you read here, none of this is real. Photographic evidence notwithstanding, the Drive O' Death only exists within my head.

So much of my life only exists in my head...what's that baby? Gee, you're up late. (Sorry, it's the one woman who's ever loved me with complete abandon, without reservation, for me.) You want me to do the male exotic dancer routine before I give you your nightly back rub? I know you love it. Thank you for saying how much hotter I am that Zach Braff guy you had to kiss in "Garden State." I know, thank you, you tell me all the time how you were imagining it was me the whole time. I'll be right there, honey, love you too. Gotta go, people, true love calls...*

*Lest you think real life isn't funny for me, I am currently being semi-stalked by a Buddhist, yoga practicing, singer/songwriter, Starbucks manager who's 20, btw and has been a pierogie in the PNC Park sausage races. Simultaneously, I am engaged to the younger sister of my pregnant boss, and btw, I haven't even met her yet.

Guys, live with joy. And if you can find someone to walk with you as an equal and share that joy, well, then you are blessed. God, I love life.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Magic

This is for my friend Blair who believes in magic, but magic, as magic must be defined, is a fish scale sitting on a fingertip after a summer rain, full of light, rainbows, slippery and as insubstantial to hold as a promise or a caress.
So what is magic after all, but a promise of loneliness? And what is loneliness but the place between touching another human being in a real way. She’s heard the lines. We’ve all heard the lines.
My friend, she reminds me of a poem I once wrote. Is that so bad to remind someone of a poem? I am the bride of Jesus says the Heart.
But that is not the poem nor is this the time, because we’re talking about fish scales and rainbows and those impossible places to climb. Like the heart.
Two girls sit, waiting for the boys they are with to say it’s all right to open up, lay down and whisper their darkest hopes.
Being in a bar can make one terribly jaded. True love and being alive are like being afraid of the dark.
No, I can’t tell you what I meant by that.

Some Waiter at Last Call in Some Bar on a Tuesday

Hey there, Mr. Greenjeans,
That a mighty fine set of hair on those legs of yours.
Too bad you missed that upturned face
Gazing at the snow as it fell with angel’s breath
On her neck.
…if only she…
Damn back, musta carried eight refills out to that
Smelly old man
Only tipped five percent
And that stench
Old cigar and fresh death
…if only she…
Get your two-for-one Metamucil this week only
Dr. Scholl’s is having a sale on inserts too
God, when the sun sets on your hair like that I know
I don’t ever need those man-made drugs
Why not pour me one more, today is my day off
And I only got two doubles this week
Poetry and love in bed by nine baby
So maybe it’s hard to get with the cool program
Talk about saving
Earth and whales
Did’ja know Walt Disney ran those damn lemmings off a cliff
Only one thing round here dumb enough to run off a cliff
On its’ own is…
Hey, you heard that one before didn’t ya
Man walks into a bar-breaks his nose
So she drapes on a stool and drinks to forget
Those endless ten twelve hour days
One after another
Where there’s always a stool
Why go there man
Why play with the ethereal beauty of the muses
Take her away for a little bit
But not too far
Because it is
The drug the drug the drug
And com'in down
Well, be kind
Somewhere
We’re trapped on a stool
Ain’t smart
She’s smart
She’s going where it’s real
The hard curve of the inner thigh
Hellooo pitcher special
Not too expensive
All yours for the low, loww price of a dim gray world
Ain’t nothing more beautiful than the truth
Problem is truth sucks
In a commonplace sort of way
Gotta look hard
For those flashes of life that mean something
Outside of last call and a shitty tip
Not in some lace and heroin dream
Hard cold reflection in your glass
Mouthful of teeth
The way she laughs
Her smoky voice filling you up
Right here
Did you see that
Do it again
Feel her soak into a one-of-a-kind moment
That everyperson gives
Cause the beauty is that we’re none too unique
Yet it’s your glass
Your joke
Till tomorrow night
Except, damn, gotta pull that double

So, this is that story, except I left out the part about the girl. You know, the one with the crooked smile, terrible breath and eating the worm out of the tequila on Ash Wednesday. Oh, and that whole being King of the Kitchen thing.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tell me I'm hot, damnit! (or, at least the sushi was good)

Tell me I'm hot, damnit*

I'm going to say this about my job before I go into my weekend. I just found out I have a second cubicle in another office.

My company was planning to open a branch located in my coverage territory for a different property and told me I'd be able to stop by and use it if I wanted to.

This was several months ago. The branch opened and I was handed a phone list for the new office. Whose name do I see listed among the residing staff? Who also has a private number? That would be me, folks.

So now I have two cubicles in two different offices and two phone numbers ( four, if you count the cells) and I have only one question...

Can I trade in two cubicles for one small office at the location of my choice?

I mean, how does that work. If I somehow acquire three cubicles can I trade that in for a company car? At what point do I rate an office with a big window? Is that like two cubicles, one fax machine and a stapler?

How does one acquire a cubicle anyway? I hate possessions, so the idea of one cubicle (symbol of the utter dehumanization of the corporate world) was bad enough. Now two!

Really, I need to pay more attention to things.

sushi1

Blair


sushi4

Desiree (and this makes me laugh, because she IS a dancer {although it's ballet and modern jazz} and therefore still adheres to the "girls with names that end in two EEs are doomed to become dancers Law) weighs seven pounds. I can pick her up with one arm. She thinks I'm hot but won't admit it.


sushi2


sushi3


sushi5

Blair and I got the exact same fortune. I have no idea what that means except the restaurant went cheap on the cookies.

sushi6


*I seem to be offending a lot of people lately and just want to apologize to the world. I haven't been right for a while, and I'm just begining to feel good about myself again and have been saying a lot of things without really thinking about them as I come back into a decent cycle of mood and self-esteem. So, sorry people. I feel like I mean good.

I had battled self-esteem issues a lot. Had them beat, was really good, and then got flattened again early this year.

And when you're the complete package, like I am, people have no sympathy for poor social skills or low self-esteem, let me tell you.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I hate the black helicopters

I found this among some random e-mails I sent out to friends. It still makes me laugh.


City resident Bob Elliott is the latest victim of a nation-wide outbreak of poison ivy.

Elliott, 31, says that he has no idea how he contracted the rash, but feels that someone, somewhere, must pay for his discomfort.

"It's an unbelievable, the constant itching and scratching that I'm going through," said Elliott from the temporary relief of an oatmeal bath.

"I don't even go outside unless it's to get to my car, so I know this is the product of some insidious governmental plan to bolster up the pharmaceutical industry after they lost billions of dollars to Canadian generic prescription drugs," said Elliott.

"There was a black helicopter circling the city the other night for a couple of hours at like three a.m. and it was probably spraying us with poison ivy oils," claimed Elliott.

"In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have mooned it," lamented the young man, "You don't even want to know where it can spread to."

According to spokesman from the Department of Health, the United States often sees a dramatic rise in poison ivy cases during what they call "the summer."

"Black helicopters?" laughed one health official who refused to give his name, "My advice is to go down to your local doctor and get a steroid shot in order to shorten the inflammation period."

"Pfizer makes an excellent cortisone/steroid injection that is available by name at the office," said the official.

"See! That's exactly what they want!" exclaimed Elliott upon hearing the advice and between itching at his stomach furiously, "This clearly has nothing to do with my own stupidity and I'm sure I can sue somebody over this."

Experts believe Elliott is destined to get poison ivy every summer until he moves out of his parent's house and can actually have a date indoors.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Me 1, Woodland Creatures, 0

Well, it's war and there are going to be casualties, but the grim reality of it has set in.

As you know, last week the fucking raccoons tried to kill me by building a roadblock along the Drive 'o Death. Tonight, a bunny rabbit met his maker trying to take me out.* He was obviously a young rabbit, looking to make a name for himself in the woodland creature underworld by offing me.

He forgot one thing, though, I drive a car made of metal** and he was made of fur and little round poops that don't really look like poop if you think about it.


bunny1

Here he is being prepared for his viewing. Friends and family will be accepting condolences, roadside, Sat. 2-3 pm and Sun. 5-7 pm. Those wishing to make a donation in his name (Frankie, if you were curious) can do so here.

Another thing, never google image search "bunny" if you want your faith in humanity to stay intact.

This is a funny link. These people put bunnies in trances, for fun. And I thought hitting them with cars was cruel.

Oh, and later a frog was jumping across the road in front of me. Really, just add that to the list of animals I've almost hit.

bunny3

In other news, I was overcome today by the urge to run around like Steve Martin in the following scene from 'Roxanne' ***
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[C.D. drops from a tree in front of the ladies]
C.D. Bales: Where am I?
Nina: You're in Nelson.
C.D. Bales: Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home! [waves to sky]
C.D. Bales: Bye! What day is it?
Nina: Friday. "Dallas" is on.
C.D. Bales: Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time!
Dottie: What?
C.D. Bales: The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me.
Lydia: I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?
C.D. Bales: Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this: [makes pucker sounds] C.D. Bales: Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me.
Dottie: At Roxanne's house?
C.D. Bales: That's where they are right now!
Dottie: Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go.
C.D. Bales: You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women.
Nina: Why?
C.D. Bales: Because they wanted to have sex with them.
Sophie: Where?
C.D. Bales: Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing.
Lydia: We do!
Sophie: It's been so long!
Dottie: Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women? [pause]
Dottie: Let's go and check it out!
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I like to make pucker sounds.
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And:
Jim: Heard you're tough.
C.D. Bales: I am. But if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.
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And:
C.D. Bales: [C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.
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And:
Andy: That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.
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And:
[Roxanne Kowalski is walking behind a hedge because she is nude]
Roxanne Kowalski: Nobody had a coat?
C.D. Bales: I thought you said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne Kowalski: Why would I not want a coat?
C.D. Bales: You said you didn't want a coat!
Roxanne Kowalski: I was being ironic.
C.D. Bales: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.
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Ah, Roxanne. What a sweet, charming romance. How cool is that I can think of romance without looking for a sharp object? Life is good, again.
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I think all romantic comedies should either be Roxanne, Big, or Say Anything (I am somewhat embarassed to say I thought for a split-second about putting Notting Hill up here).
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bunny4
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Better off Dead. God, what a great movie, but I have a hard time calling anything with a claymation sequence (no matter how short) a romantic comedy.
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Beautiful Girls, Garden State, and Return to Me All come really close too. Or should I say, any film with Natalie Portman or Minnie Driver gets instant consideration.
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bunny2
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Oh, minor funny. I'm at Wendy's drive-thru (I go to the same one near work about twice a week) and I order my usual and hear the girls talking as I pull up to the window because they left it open.
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Girl #1: (from behind the corner) Is that the hot guy in the silver car?
Girl #2: (Turning and seeing me grinning at her) Uh, not so bad.
Girl #1: Did he hear?
Me: (After paying and taking my food) Not so bad? Come on, give me hot.
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The irony***** here is that they forgot to give me my fries and I had to go back inside to get them. Everybody was embarassed, including me. It was shamefully awkward. I laughed all the way back to work.
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Told some people I'd be rolling to Philly this weekend. My friend Blair does cool like no other. I hope she's well, I hope we get to hang this weekend. We will.
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Auto response from baffledstereo: cos years have passed and things have changed/and i move anyway i wanna go/i'll never forget the feeling i got/when i heard that you'd got home/an' i'll never forget the smile on my face/'cos i knew where you would be/an' if you're in the crown tonight/have a drink on me.
but go easy...step lightly...
stay free
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---------------------------------------------------
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*I actually feel really terrible about this. I've been sitting here trying to tell myself that he made it out O.K. "Maybe he was just born flat," I keep saying.
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**It's a Toyota. So having said that, I'm still pretty confident there's metal in there somewhere mixed in with the cheap plastic.
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***Lately, I also keep having to stop myself from taking my shirt off and dancing on tables full of women when I'm drunk. Twice, now in 2 weeks, Michelle the bartender at TJs has had to stop me from doing this. Sometimes the mind makes the body and other times the body makes the mind. Don't buy a male exotic dancer body unless you're ready to shake it, I'm finding out.****
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****I've also had the urge to give people piggy-back rides lately. How strange.
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*****I really must look up that word.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

This is war

I was driving home tonight and the fuckers threw a new twist at me.

Rain, sleet, fog, driving winds, fine, bring it on I can handle it.

However, I was not prepared for the raccoon dragging a large stick across the road. A stick!

roadtrip-raccoons

I think the furry little asshole was trying to build a roadblock. I can only surmise that the woodland creatures now have an active contract out on my life.

It was probably some hit-man raccoon trying to collect. Well, good luck, motherfuckers, because it's on now.

It's so on.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Dungeon castrations!!??

There have to be better things to do in life than this I mean how can you possibly go through with something like that?

I'm not very lucky with girls, but things will have to get a damn sight worse before you find me letting people without medical licenses cut my nuts off.

Then, then, they had a wide variety of prosthetics. If you wouldn't cut them off in the first place, you wouldn't need a prosthetic! I just hope they were like special colors or glow-in-the-dark or something.

This quote is priceless:

"Assuming that the victims consented to this — and we don't know that for sure yet — that doesn't make it a defense," he said. "We can't have people who are not medical doctors lopping off limbs and other body parts."

I laugh every time I read it.

This will be the only time in my life I ever google "prosthetic testicles" I hope. There's a lot of love for fake dog testicles on the web, by the way.

gala 4

This guy owns a company that sells them. My life is complete. "Three Firmness Selections in Multiple Sizes."

gala5

In other business, I was going to blog the hell out of the Gala this Saturday, but it was a total bore. There were like five women of breeding age in the entire place and they were all married. The food sucked. I, surprisingly enough, had already met 40 percent of the crowd.

The only interesting thing that did happen was the jazz band covered Killing Me Softly With His Song, by the Fugees. The Gala was for a local hospital. If I knew the definiton of irony I would lean towards it for that one.

I miss Lauren Hill. But they have a new album coming out. Hooray.


gala1

This is the table. That was the highlight of the evening.


gala2

This is my favorite condiment. This was not at the Gala. This was after.


gala3

I made Mike pass out. Wuss.