Me 1, Woodland Creatures, 0

Well, it's war and there are going to be casualties, but the grim reality of it has set in.

As you know, last week the fucking raccoons tried to kill me by building a roadblock along the Drive 'o Death. Tonight, a bunny rabbit met his maker trying to take me out.* He was obviously a young rabbit, looking to make a name for himself in the woodland creature underworld by offing me.

He forgot one thing, though, I drive a car made of metal** and he was made of fur and little round poops that don't really look like poop if you think about it.




Here he is being prepared for his viewing. Friends and family will be accepting condolences, roadside, Sat. 2-3 pm and Sun. 5-7 pm. Those wishing to make a donation in his name (Frankie, if you were curious) can do so here.

Another thing, never google image search "bunny" if you want your faith in humanity to stay intact.

This is a funny link. These people put bunnies in trances, for fun. And I thought hitting them with cars was cruel.

Oh, and later a frog was jumping across the road in front of me. Really, just add that to the list of animals I've almost hit.

In other news, I was overcome today by the urge to run around like Steve Martin in the following scene from 'Roxanne' ***

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[C.D. drops from a tree in front of the ladies]

C.D. Bales: Where am I?

Nina: You're in Nelson.

C.D. Bales: Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home! [waves to sky]

C.D. Bales: Bye! What day is it?

Nina: Friday. "Dallas" is on.

C.D. Bales: Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time!

Dottie: What?

C.D. Bales: The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me.

Lydia: I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?

C.D. Bales: Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this: [makes pucker sounds] C.D. Bales: Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me.

Dottie: At Roxanne's house?

C.D. Bales: That's where they are right now!

Dottie: Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go.

C.D. Bales: You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women.

Nina: Why?

C.D. Bales: Because they wanted to have sex with them.

Sophie: Where?

C.D. Bales: Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing.

Lydia: We do!

Sophie: It's been so long!

Dottie: Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women? [pause]

Dottie: Let's go and check it out!

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I like to make pucker sounds.

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And:

Jim: Heard you're tough.

C.D. Bales: I am. But if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.

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And:

C.D. Bales: [C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.

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And:

Andy: That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.

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And:

[Roxanne Kowalski is walking behind a hedge because she is nude]

Roxanne Kowalski: Nobody had a coat?

C.D. Bales: I thought you said you didn't want a coat...

Roxanne Kowalski: Why would I not want a coat?

C.D. Bales: You said you didn't want a coat!

Roxanne Kowalski: I was being ironic.

C.D. Bales: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.

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Ah, Roxanne. What a sweet, charming romance. How cool is that I can think of romance without looking for a sharp object? Life is good, again.

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I think all romantic comedies should either be Roxanne, Big, or Say Anything (I am somewhat embarassed to say I thought for a split-second about putting Notting Hill up here).

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Better off Dead. God, what a great movie, but I have a hard time calling anything with a claymation sequence (no matter how short) a romantic comedy.

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Beautiful Girls, Garden State, and Return to Me All come really close too. Or should I say, any film with Natalie Portman or Minnie Driver gets instant consideration.
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Oh, minor funny. I'm at Wendy's drive-thru (I go to the same one near work about twice a week) and I order my usual and hear the girls talking as I pull up to the window because they left it open.

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Girl #1: (from behind the corner) Is that the hot guy in the silver car?

Girl #2: (Turning and seeing me grinning at her) Uh, not so bad.

Girl #1: Did he hear?

Me: (After paying and taking my food) Not so bad? Come on, give me hot.

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The irony***** here is that they forgot to give me my fries and I had to go back inside to get them. Everybody was embarassed, including me. It was shamefully awkward. I laughed all the way back to work.

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Told some people I'd be rolling to Philly this weekend. My friend Blair does cool like no other. I hope she's well, I hope we get to hang this weekend. We will.
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Auto response from baffledstereo: cos years have passed and things have changed/and i move anyway i wanna go/i'll never forget the feeling i got/when i heard that you'd got home/an' i'll never forget the smile on my face/'cos i knew where you would be/an' if you're in the crown tonight/have a drink on me.
but go easy...step lightly...
stay free
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*I actually feel really terrible about this. I've been sitting here trying to tell myself that he made it out O.K. "Maybe he was just born flat," I keep saying.

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**It's a Toyota. So having said that, I'm still pretty confident there's metal in there somewhere mixed in with the cheap plastic.

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***Lately, I also keep having to stop myself from taking my shirt off and dancing on tables full of women when I'm drunk. Twice, now in 2 weeks, Michelle the bartender at TJs has had to stop me from doing this. Sometimes the mind makes the body and other times the body makes the mind. Don't buy a male exotic dancer body unless you're ready to shake it, I'm finding out.****

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****I've also had the urge to give people piggy-back rides lately. How strange.

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*****I really must look up that word.