Saturdays are for sexual harassment (Or, why me, I just wanted an espresso. Not a spelling contest!)

I've you've never been sexually harassed by 12 yr-olds, I don't recommend looking for it.

I was hanging out at Starbucks* on Saturday after standing in the rain for two straight days writing down what drunk hippies** had to say about kayaking and Earth Day.

I'm minding my own business, trying to write and simultaneously flirt with the pierogie who is taking extended breaks to talk with me when I get a tap on the shoulder.

Girl 1: "Mister, what you doing?"

I turn around and see stuffed chairs full of 12 year-old girls. Several girls to a chair. I am immediately uncomfortable because this has "bad news" written all over it.

Me: "Uh, I'm writing a story."

Girl 2:"We saw you typing a letter."

Me: "I'm a reporter."

Girl 1: "That's really cool...You married?"

Me: Alarms are going off in my head right now. "Uh, no."

Girl 2: "You have a girlfriend?"

Me: Dying inside. My brain has fled the premises. "No, I'm single."

Girl 1: "My friend wants to be your girlfriend. She thinks you're cute."

Girl 2: "Oh my God, I can't believe you told him!" Giggling. Pushing takes place. More giggling. More pushing. Then they both stop and stare at me, expectantly.

Me: "Um, Um, I don't think that you guys are old enough to have boyfriends." Honestly, I'm trying to think what I did to deserve this. But then I realize my brain has left. I turn around and try to become invisible. It doesn't work. To my right, a table with two college-age girls is openly laughing at me.

Girl 1: Tapping me on the shoulder again. "Hey, it doesn't matter because we're lesbians."

Girl 2: "Yeah, so what do you think of that?"

Me: Because I'm so flustered I can think of nothing else to say, "Uh, um, the last girl I dated had a bunch of lesbian friends."

Girl 1: "No!"

There is a long pause.

Girl 2: "Nuh uh, we were just kidding. You know lesbians?"

Girl 1: "Hey, whatever floats your boat, right?"

Girl 2: "Well, we're straight."

Girl 1: "I might be Bi."

Me: "Don't you guys play sports or something?" I am so desperate to change the topic of conversation it's not even funny.

I look over and the pierogie is smiling and laughing at me from behind the counter because the little girls are talking to me. She can't hear what they're saying. I must look cute from 20 feet away. I have officially pissed off a higher power, I decide.

Girl 1: "Softball and Basketball."

Me: Breaking out of my reverie. "What?"

Girl 1: "I play softball and basketball." Well, no help there, I think.

Girl 2: Jumps up into my face from the back of the chair. "Spell amm-bi-dexter-us."***

Me: "Ambidextrous. A-M-B-I-D-E-X-T-R-O-U-S." Because my brain sucks like that.

Girl 1: "Wow, you're smart and cute."

Girl 2: "Spell pear-a-dack-tul."

Me: "Pterodactyl. P-T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L."

Girl 2: "Spell auntie-dee-louv-ian."

Me: "Antediluvien. A-N-T-E-D-E-L-U-V-I-E-N."

Girl 2: "Wrong! You lose!" Lots of giggling.

Girl 1: "Do you come here a lot? We come here all the time. What's your name?"

Girl 2: "Oh, we haveta go. The car's here!"

All of them: "Bye!"

Me: Putting my head down on my laptop. The college girls to my right are practically crying, they're laughing so hard.

Pierogie waves me over. "They were so cute. I think they had a crush on you."



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*It's official, tables have turned, and now I think I'm semi-stalking the pierogie. I just spent 5 hours trying to find her freaking blog to see if she's written anything about me to no avail. Damn the allure of yoga. Seriously, how come the first time I meet a reallyreally smart/hot/buddhist/literature-type book reading/singer songwriter/pierogie costume wearing/world-traveling/yoga practicing/Starbucks manager she turns out to be 20?

**By hippies I mean people who talk about saving the Earth while wearing $500 North Face jackets, $200 Columbia waterproof pants, $150 Birkenstocks and $30 socks.

***Starbucks has decided to produce "Akkelah and the Bee" a movie about spelling bees which I will now never, ever watch. There are cards laying about the store with these words and more (like prestidigitation, one of my favorites of all time).