I hate the black helicopters

I found this among some random e-mails I sent out to friends. It still makes me laugh.


City resident Bob Elliott is the latest victim of a nation-wide outbreak of poison ivy.

Elliott, 31, says that he has no idea how he contracted the rash, but feels that someone, somewhere, must pay for his discomfort.

"It's an unbelievable, the constant itching and scratching that I'm going through," said Elliott from the temporary relief of an oatmeal bath.

"I don't even go outside unless it's to get to my car, so I know this is the product of some insidious governmental plan to bolster up the pharmaceutical industry after they lost billions of dollars to Canadian generic prescription drugs," said Elliott.

"There was a black helicopter circling the city the other night for a couple of hours at like three a.m. and it was probably spraying us with poison ivy oils," claimed Elliott.

"In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have mooned it," lamented the young man, "You don't even want to know where it can spread to."

According to spokesman from the Department of Health, the United States often sees a dramatic rise in poison ivy cases during what they call "the summer."

"Black helicopters?" laughed one health official who refused to give his name, "My advice is to go down to your local doctor and get a steroid shot in order to shorten the inflammation period."

"Pfizer makes an excellent cortisone/steroid injection that is available by name at the office," said the official.

"See! That's exactly what they want!" exclaimed Elliott upon hearing the advice and between itching at his stomach furiously, "This clearly has nothing to do with my own stupidity and I'm sure I can sue somebody over this."

Experts believe Elliott is destined to get poison ivy every summer until he moves out of his parent's house and can actually have a date indoors.