Gold toes and Shamrocks

So, I'm officially old. However at least I'm finding this out in March, the lucky month.

I'm at the gym today* and while I'm getting dressed (as the old guys wander around naked and wrinkly {one guy actually left the shower door open as I was shaving [there really needs to be some kind of law against these things!?]})



When I put on my socks, I discovered they were Gold-Toe. I don't even own socks like that. Is it some kind of a birthday thing when you reach a certain age the gold-toe fairy comes in the middle of the night and replaces all your cool socks with black support hose?

Can I file a grievance? An exemption? What's next? Surely I don't have to start walking to the shower at the gym without a towel on? Damn.

Other than that, my week has been awesome. Well, awesome, if you define awesome as getting a shot at the job of your dreams and being given a pay increase at the new place that is roughly a bajillion times higher than your current salary.

Oh, no more daily "Drive 'O Death," either.



The other night, I almost hit a goat. A fucking goat!

So outside the life-changing career swing, my weekend was pretty mellow. Spent a lot of time hanging out drinking beer and listening to the Shannon River Band.



This would be said band at Fudruckers. Actually, it was Finnegan's Wake, but I like typing Fudruckers.** The seven-time Irish step dance champion was following them around at this point putting on impromptu clinics.



She had legs of steel. STEEL!!**** It reminded me of the line from the movies "Big" where Jon Lovitz says to Tom Hanks:

Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.




This is the band at Mulaney's on Saturday. I've become a groupie simply to watch Mara play the drums and sing. She doesn't gig with the boys much anymore, but when she sings I know why ugly rock stars get laid like eggs at a henhouse.




Having said that, if you've ever had sex with Jack Russel, from Great White during the 80s you don't get a pass.****** Thankfully, there are people that care about the things I think about constantly. Who is the ugliest rock star of all time?

One note, The Shannon River Band doesn't play 'Danny Boy' because, "It's not fucking Irish, so drop it already," according to Mike. I believe he was slightly vexed (Or aroused. With Mike you never can tell) because I had just given him a walk-by ass-squeeze with full cuppage while he was talking to important people.

This was shortly before they launched into their rendition of "Centerfold" by J. Geils Band. That's all I have to say about that.*******



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*It's official. The new stripper tan body is bought and paid for. Liver functional. Sub 200 pounds. I have freckles when I'm not translucent. Life is good.

**I have no idea why. It's probably right there with saying the word "spelunker."***

***However, I am no longer a fan of "Jazzercise."

****Word of advice, do NOT attempt to touch the 7 time world champion irish step-dancer's legs without her permisssion. This is something I witnessed, I would never, ever violate a woman's personal integrity by doing something like that.*****

*****I would, for example, if I wanted to find out about the legs of steel, introduce myself, make small talk for like 10 minutes and then find out with full permission. Alas, I am a shy bugger.

******If you had sex with him in the last decade, seek help.

*******It might actually have been "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, but whatever. Running around in overalls and no shoes with bandanas is equally non-Irish.

As a matter of fact, in that outfit, it means I've probably almost run over you driving to work.