Johnstown zombie attack protocol!

I was just sitting here at work tonight when the Apache attack helicopters and C-130 transport planes began passing over with unusual frequency.

The office is located right under the airport flight path and we have National Guard units stationed here, but this was really a lot of military planeage for a week day.

Immediately, being a responsible reporter, I called my editor and told him we were likely under attack by zombies.

As my editor laughed about the prospect of me running through the fields pursued by brain-eating monsters (and I don't mean the people who created I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!) I realized an awful truth.

We don't have a zombie attack protocol for Johnstown. I mean this is a place with more defense contractors than coffee shops. What are the elected representatives of the people doing these days?

Actually, they're preparing the late June invasion of 150,000 motorcyclists including one Sharon Stone. Granted, the arrival of Sharon Stone is cause for alarm....



But we're told she's arriving as part of a charity helping children in Sudan. So it's likely we'll need more than a couple of these to repel her...




Of course mobile howitzers aren't really effective against zombie hordes, so I'll have to take it upon myself to develop a decent protocol for zombie protection.

Fortunately many residents are ready for attack, as even many of the women are already highly skilled in defense...

Either hand-to-hand...**



Or come packing their own machine guns...***



So that leaves about 1,000 of us without weapon or martial art skills. Hmm, upon further review, really no need to worry about zombie defense here in Johnstown.

Maybe dating protocol, but not zombies.



*I am going to create a reality TV show where average people get to tell the pampered, egocentric, wastes exactly what they think of them. Imagine a perfect world where Spencer and Heidi live on minimum wage.