Just your friendly neighborhood picnicker

I have a moment that instantly has to go into my top 5 funniest.

I can't even explain why we* found this hilarious, but I'll do my best.

We were picknicking at a little place called Twin Lakes park on Saturday. Big blanket, sunshine, lots of food including fresh bread, cheese, berries, and of course, potato salad (required by law).

For me, half of the fun of picknicking is the whole shopping to go on a picnic; so we got to do that together at a wonderful Italian place nearby. Despite purchasing 14 different cheeses during a busy afternoon, we were not ritually slaughtered by those waiting in line or by the very nice lady cutting and wrapping our selections for us.

Twin Lakes is funny in and of itself because people fish there. Pretty place, but we were the only picnic people in the park. We got two kinds of looks from the fisherpeople there.

1. From the fishermen to me: Hatred. "Do you know how long it took me to brainwash my wife that fishing is fun? You bastard!"

2. From the long-suffering fisherwomen to Kylie: A mix of longing and pity. "You look so happy. I remember when it was like that for me. Here's a pole and a can of worms. It's easier not fight it."

So we picnicked. Beautiful day and as any good picnic goes, we alternately ate, talked, laughed and generally hung out for nearly six hours. I don't think a picnic can be called a success until you reach the four hour mark, myself.

The funny happened right around the four-hour mark.

At this point Kylie had been laying with her head in my lap and just staring at the sky when we started kissing upside down. Terribly romantic. Seriously.

And my mouth opens deep in the middle of one of those kisses that kind of takes your breath away and I whispered, "You saved my life twice and I don't even know your name."

It was completely spontaneous, I didn't even think the words first. They came out without me even realizing that I was saying them.

Somehow, given the extreme romanticism of the moment, the comment completely spun the emotional center into utter hilarity. You must try this at home. She thought it was funnier than I did (that = keeper).

Anyway. Best to all. Just a funny moment with a beautiful girl.



"You saved my life twice and I don't even know your name. Can you pass the potato salad?"

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*Thank goodness. It's so nice not laughing at myself all by myself, anymore.

Jerry's dead, dude (or a brief history of near kisses)

From my last post:

"So now, I sit here and try to remember someone I've only just met. There is one way I will know exactly who she is and what part she will play in my life. I've had a mental image of a moment that has never happened yet. I've had it for as long as I can remember. Maybe she'll put a face to that moment. I'll know then.**"

That moment happened.

I'm a little shocked and amazed. I kid you not when I say that I always carried this little image around in my head.

I'm not saying it was some kind of psychic vision. I don't necessarily believe in that kind of thing. Maybe if you had a bit of romantic soul and vivid imagination and you tend to daydream about things you end up with the other day and it sticks in the back of your head waiting to happen (of course, me being me, there were crayons involved in the reality.)

So Kylie and I were out for a late night ice cream. She couldn't sleep, called me up and there we were. Only Eat 'N Park was open so we had to go the Sundae route. Triple scoop vanilla with hot caramel, whip cream, and two cherries.

I learned two things.

1. There is an upper limit to how much caramel should be put on ice cream.

2. You're supposed to eat the cherry with your fingers. I never knew. Years of working at Dairy Queen have apparently been wasted.





That's Kylie on the left, in the dress, if you were wondering what she looks like. Self-portrait. Although in real life, she's much taller and blonder.





I really hope not. She HAS had Dengue Fever. I would link you to the CDC website, but seriously, you don't want to even think about getting it.

Here's the basic story. We just talked for a couple of hours, laughed a lot and I drove her back to her car. Said goodnight, and she opened the door, started to get out, looked back, and with her right hand on my left cheek, pulled me into a kiss.

I know, not a big deal, but it was EXACTLY the image I had in my head.* How quickly she leaned into me, the lighting, how her thumb felt just under my ear, and how her pinky was lightly touching the place on my neck where you would take a pulse.

This was a very specific image I had in my head. But there was never a face. I could never make out the person. So there's a face to it now.

Here's the great thing, she kissed exactly how I always thought a kiss should be.

You know how so many people have thin lips or bite yours or feel like the tongue should be pushed down the back of your throat. or can't commit to a kiss, ending them quickly, always making one kiss into like 30 quick ones. Whatever. The way you kiss says everything about you as a person. But, of course, you can't walk around kissing random people in order to figure out their personalities.

Normally, when I kiss someone for the first time I have to sort of adapt my style to how they like to be kissed, It's a quick read, easily accomplished if you give a shit about making that sort of thing work. Although once I did run into a girl that kissed like a fish (suck your cheeks in and make pucker lips) That was a tough one. It's hard to kiss when you're laughing.

I didn't have to change a thing, I just got to kiss, maybe for the first time in my life. And kiss. Nice.

And then after a bit, she ran her hands over my face, looked at me and said, "I'm really glad I found you again." Fucking buddhists. Hot.*****

So that initial kiss image has been following me around since forever. Weird to have it come true. Didn't see the buddhist element coming, though.

There have been a number of times that a kiss me first almost happened, the funniest of which had to be when Jerry Garcia died. I mean, certainly it wasn't funny for Jerry, but hey.

It started, as all great stories do, with me waking up in Maine. This wouldn't be strange if you lived in Maine, I'll give you, but I was pretty sure I started asleep in Pennsylvania.

And I'll be back! To be Continued...





South Side Saloon, Johnstown. AWESOME. No miller lite, here, bitches. This beer cracked my top 5. Not easy to do. Jazz/Blues band. 250 imported beers and domestic micro-brews. GO.



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*Girls, I know you get kissed first all the time. How many guys have you just leaned over to and kissed first?** Makes the whole thing a little different, I suppose.

**You so don't count if you pat yourself on the back for not sleeping with a guy on the first date, for a change.***

***In retrospect, most of the girls I ever met that sleep with guys on the first date still needed to be kissed first.****

****And why do you always say, "I'm normally not like this, I never do this on a first date."? The bigger question is why do I never take this as a warning sign? I guess I just convince myself I'm special. Ha, that's so fucking funny, if you think about it. A guy having to rationalize sleeping with someone on the first date.

I'm not going to get into a debate about the whole, just needed to get laid thing, from a female perspective. I've just always felt the penetrative aspect and near violence in the male/female sex act can be too easily become unhealthy for women, as opposed to men. I know, empowerment is great, but letting a complete stranger just fuck you can easily objectify and demean. I've always wanted to treat people as people first.

*****Yeah, it's a little strange, but once I decided to go with it, it was hot. I mean I'd rather have quirky up front, believing we met in previous lives and shit,****** than a sneaky crazy where you're minding you own business, going along, thinking everything's pretty cool, when they suddenly pop out at you and say, "Boo! I'm insane!" It's better to know what you're dealing with from the get-go, trust me.

******Plus, it helped me rationalize telling the guy who was in my head yelling, "Dude, she's 20. 20, you idiot!" to go to the back of the bus and shut up. Although, to be honest, the guy next to him yelling, "She does yoga. YOGA, man," was pretty much already drowning him out. I've got to tell you, the yoga guy really knows what the fuck he's talking about. I need to listen to him more often.

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The acoustic version of 'Boyz in the Hood' by Dynamite Hack is on repeat for this blog. It is a necessary counter-point to high sappy content. Go rap, maybe some Gangstarr (or Flipyside, if you're feeling progressive) when you're reading this.

Cruisin' down the street in my 6-fo'
Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoe's
I went to the park to get the scoop
Knuckle-heads out there cold shootin' some hoop
A car pulls up, who can it be?
The fresh El Camino rollin Kilo G
He rolls down the window and he starts to say
It's all about makin' that G.T.A.

Cuz the boyz in the hood are alwayz hard
You come talkin' that trash and we'll pull your card
Knowin' nothin' in life but to be legit
Don't quote me boy, cuz I ain't said shit ...

Buddhism and Pierogies (or hello again, nice body you've picked up for this life)

So, I wanted to sit down and be funny today but I just had the most fascinating conversation for the last 1 1/2 hours with Kylie, who comes into this life with a surety and worldview that has me slightly whirlwinded, to borrow a term from someone who doesn't know it but has perhaps the funniest, most authentic piece of Fayette County memorabilia I've ever seen coming to her if she can ever figure out how to use a phone.

Kylie, a Buddhist, is convinced she knows me from another life, several lives in fact. What makes this so strange is that she does seem to know me in an inexplicable way. It's a way that is beyond comfortable in the sense that she seems to know exactly who I am and more importantly, who I am in regards to her life.

This would be less aggravating normally because I am also very good at reading people and getting a sense of what they are thinking of me, but unfortunately my emotional center recently got sent back to shop for repairs after a sort of psychological car wreck with sex.

So now, I am in a kind of limbo state* where I can't even trust (or even have, really) any real sense of who she is when it comes to why we're talking and spending time together. I can't even figure out if I'm attracted to her and if that would be the right thing to be feeling.

It's as if she already knows my story and life and role in hers. I guess I could ask her, but I think I'll wait until next weekend when we actually spend some time together outside of our respective jobs in order to figure it out.

I guess I feel like I'm at a distinct disadvantage with this one. When you think of the roles we play in each other's lives, the options are endless. She could turn out to be a friend, lover, teacher, student, soulmate, savior, passing acquaintance, adversary, partner, guide, just about anything. But she already seems to know what I am and for the first time in my life, I'm flying blind. Strange.

But to talk to someone who is utterly convinced they knew you already and before is fascinating. She said she knew me from my laugh, way of saying things and my hands.

Outside of the whole "No idea what everybody's feeling here, including me," thing, I've been remarkably comfortable in talking to her, very much able to tell her anything and say anything especially when it comes to me being me and telling stupid, funny, rambling tangential stories that very often have no point, whatsoever. So I do I hope, at the very least, I have found a new/old friend.

So now, I sit here and try to remember someone I've only just met. There is one way I will know exactly who she is and what part she will play in my life. I've had a mental image of a moment that has never happened yet. I've had it for as long as I can remember. Maybe she'll put a face to that moment. I'll know then.**


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*That would be completely shut down so you don't get hurt mode (of course, it only kicks in after the fact. Thanks, stupid brain.) I tend to be pretty emotionally open in relationships. My hobbies also include letting people kick me in the nuts and dentistry without novacaine.

**It was my turn to be a little mystical. And if it does happen, I'll let you know what it was. What a fun night. To use my brain, have a stimulating conversation, talk books, life and laugh.

There are simple things that make life good. These are some of them.

Great escapes and shooting stars

A snippet from Saturday:

Girl: I'd like to taste a chardonnay.

Bartender: Oh, O.K. Let me see what we have.

Me: (Starting to smile a little inside*)

Bartender: We have white zinfandel, lambrusco and Chablis.

Girl: No chardonnay? Do you have a wine list?

Me: (Internal guffaw {great word})

Bartender: Shakes head. Crosses arms.

Girl: I'll TASTE the Chablis.

Bartender: Sure.

Me: (no longer internalizing) laughing out loud.

Bartender: Puts down a full glass in front of her.

Girl: Is that a taste?

Bartender: You can taste that. That'll be $5.50**

Me: (Crying, I'm laughing so hard)

Girl: Shakes her head, glares at me and sweeps off with her drink.

THE SETTING: The Great Escape.


Elsewhere:

So, I've seen three monstrous shooting stars in the last week. I'm always transported to my teens and long drives into the mountains, camp-outs and skywatching. So much like life, a shooting star.

Lonely, beautiful, magical and temporary.

I over-caffeinated a lot this week, supplementing my usual daily intake of 3 to 4 giant Diet Cokes with a number of double espressos at the Starbucks, which is quickly becoming a third office.

I've tried to convince the pierogie...Crap, I can't call her that anymore without feeling awkward about it...Kylie. Damn, that sucks to lose the mental nick-name (Well worth it, but still, to lose the funny mental image, sigh***) to make a cubicle for me at the store so that I can have three.

I figure NOBODY has three cubicles. With a color printer and stapler thrown in, I would be eligible to trade for an early retirement.

Because I'm feeling a bit magical tonight.

Pisces
May 1-7: From Thursday onward, you're impossibly seductive. This is not contrived or rehearsed...It's you being you. Others are drawn into your vibe and feel slightly confused by what's occurring. You often have that effect on others. It's a kind of emotional and spiritual rapture. Things get even more phenomenal during the weekend. If you've held back your feelings for someone, you'll go ahead and let loose this week.

(This feels pretty accurate. I do know I tend to confuse the hell out of people without even really trying. I'd rather just make them laugh, to be honest.)

For May 4: Very early today, you may worry about a health or security matter, but only briefly. The rest of the day blossoms into something quite wonderful and unexpected. You wish that one situation that you're very fond of would never end. Your mind is delightfully creative, eccentric and spontaneous, amusing and confusing those nearby, and transforming you into the most unforgettable person they've ever met...Wouldn't be the first time. Empowered by enthusiasm, you don't hold back and can't wait to tell others about a revelation or peak experience. No wonder people adore you...

(And I have the tanned body of a male exotic dancer! Total weight loss = 35 pounds. I'm actually back to where I used to be in my early 20's. I feel like me again for the first time in years. Um, self-esteem, thanks for dropping by, it's been a long time.)

And because you can't fortune without a cookie:

"Good news will come to you from far away,"

I'm guessing any news will have to come from far away because all I've eaten today was a banana, 2 spicy chicken burritos from Taco Bell, A Smart Choice BBQ chicken lunch portion, another banana and a day-old Arby's cheddar beef sandwich.

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*To be honest, I'm pretty much always smiling inside.

**Brief moment of silence for Angie, who's enjoying Costa Rica right now and will owe me huge drinks for the beautiful weather I promised her. (She says, "That'll be 2.30," in a very lovely and funny English accent a lot.) Three weeks to Erie, I'm feeling.

***Buddhists take a pretty long view on age, it turns out. All I know is that I've got a legal screening of Ice Age 2 coming this week that doesn't involve me being tasered**** by nervous parents.

****Ironically, I'm being officially tasered next Tuesday, just for YOUR amusement. I'll take pictures, don't worry. I'm told I might pee myself, it should be hilarious.